You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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