My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
