halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
false alarm, still single
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
