Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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