Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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