I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
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