I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
