If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
