i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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