My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
