if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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