halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
