I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
