I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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