Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
