I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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