I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
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I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
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Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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