Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
