Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
