There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
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you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
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I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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