I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
