I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
