P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
he laminated a picture of his dick.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
In other news, I just burned my penis
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
