Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
