Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
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