he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
