I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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