Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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