yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
why do cheetos always look like penises
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
