in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
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