plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
