I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
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AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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