Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
