I can text with my tongue
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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