Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
