Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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