Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
