May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
