i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
