At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Randomize
