Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
