I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
You're like the curious george of whores
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
