you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
NoShamevember. You game?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
