I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
