And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
