Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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