oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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