we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
