Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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