The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
