Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
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