just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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